Recently, I was talking with a friend who gave me a wake-up call. I had let myself be led into temptation and reverted back to habits that I had thought were gone forever. The sad thing is, that in someways I knew that it was happening, but I chose to ignore the little voice in my head that was screaming at me. That little voice screamed until I no longer heard it.
With Lent only days away, it's time that I repaired my relationship with God. I'm not exactly sure how I could ever make up for the things I've done. I have always struggle with believing that I should be forgiven. I chose to do things that I knew were bad and I deserve to suffer the consequences. Even if that means spending eternity in Hell. I know that God can forgive anything, but I don't know if I want forgiven.
A few years ago, at a retreat, I talked with a priest who advised me that I was making my own hell. I was separating myself from God by not asking for Him for forgiveness. It made sense, but it didn't make it any easier. What I needed to learn was to forgive myself for my mistakes and that was very hard to do.
Unfortunatly, I fell back into that thought pattern and little by little, with each act of sin, I pulled farther and farther away from God. I no longer feel him so closely as I had before. He sits on the sidelines keeping an eye on me, but He's no longer the one I seek to spend time with.
Once I've done my penance, I will begin the work of cleaning out the bad things that have been building up in my life. Replacing the bad habits with ones of prayer. Relearning to hear that little voice that reminds me to do good and screams at me when I am not. I need to separate myself from those things and people that lead me into temptation and make me forget my commitment to God.
I need to spend less time on idle pastimes and more time at Eucharistic adoration and Mass and in prayer. I need to make things right.