My journey as an Aspirant has taken quite an adventure. Over the past year and several months, I have gone through several Aspirant partners, my mentor being in the hospital and way too much getting off topic. In another three or four or maybe five months I will enter the next phase of formation working towards making my temporary promise.
One of the requirements for entering the next phase is to write about why you want to be a Carmelite. As if what I want is at all important. God just keeps shoving me in the direction He wants me to go no matter how much I want to go in a different direction. (I'm still trying to convince Him that He wants me to win the lottery, but no luck so far.)
Since entering Carmel I have felt so much closer to God. My prayer life has expanded and I'm no longer fighting God on where He wants me to go. It's like I've found home. This is where God wants me to be. I am still a long long way from being a saint, but I'm finally on the right track.
With God's mercy and guidance I will move on to the next phase and maybe in another two years, I will be making my first promise. It may take longer. I trust that however long it takes, it will be due to all of the work God has to do to get me where I need to be.
Nov 26, 2012
Nov 5, 2012
Missing It Already
Well, I've spent another fabulous weekend at Broom Tree Retreat Center.
This is my third time there and I've discovered that there seems to be a pattern developing.
On Thursday evening I am so stressed out, yet so excited to be there away from all the craziness that is my life, that I feel like I'm just running in circles not knowing what to first. Do I go spend time in adoration in the chapel, or visit St. Isidore & Maria Chapel (my favorite place), or walk the stations of the cross path, or play with Coco and the other dogs out roaming about, or puruse the gift shop (my second favorite place), or find a spot to camp out and read until the retreat starts. I usually end up not really doing anything and collape into bed around 11:00 or midnight.
Friday is when the real work begins. I get into the rhythm of the conference and have a very productive day working through all of the things that sent me to the retreat to begin with. I get time to do all of the things I wanted to do on Thursday. Except for rosary. My room had this wonderful rocker/recliner, which is to blame for my missing rosary on both Friday and Saturday. It was so easy to fall asleep in...and I did. Fell asleep in the chair that night too. (Note to self...get one of those chairs)
Saturday morning I wake up completely drained. I don't feel like doing anything, especially not group activities, but I do them any way. As the day goes on, my desire to spend time with God, either in adoration or individual prayer that by the time we reach Holy Hour in the evening, I feel like a 13 year old at a Justin Beiber concert. I do refrain from giggling and squeeling, although I want. Eventually I pull myself out of the Chapel and go back to my room where I spend the next hour or more in prayer.
Finally on Sunday, I feel completely at peace. I pack up first thing in the morning so that I can enjoy my last few hours in the tranquility without the last minute rush at the end.
The peace that I gain from the silent retreat lasts for days afterward. Until the craziness kicks in and ruins it all. Then when it gets to be too much, I'm ready to go back and start all over again.
This is my third time there and I've discovered that there seems to be a pattern developing.
On Thursday evening I am so stressed out, yet so excited to be there away from all the craziness that is my life, that I feel like I'm just running in circles not knowing what to first. Do I go spend time in adoration in the chapel, or visit St. Isidore & Maria Chapel (my favorite place), or walk the stations of the cross path, or play with Coco and the other dogs out roaming about, or puruse the gift shop (my second favorite place), or find a spot to camp out and read until the retreat starts. I usually end up not really doing anything and collape into bed around 11:00 or midnight.
Friday is when the real work begins. I get into the rhythm of the conference and have a very productive day working through all of the things that sent me to the retreat to begin with. I get time to do all of the things I wanted to do on Thursday. Except for rosary. My room had this wonderful rocker/recliner, which is to blame for my missing rosary on both Friday and Saturday. It was so easy to fall asleep in...and I did. Fell asleep in the chair that night too. (Note to self...get one of those chairs)
Saturday morning I wake up completely drained. I don't feel like doing anything, especially not group activities, but I do them any way. As the day goes on, my desire to spend time with God, either in adoration or individual prayer that by the time we reach Holy Hour in the evening, I feel like a 13 year old at a Justin Beiber concert. I do refrain from giggling and squeeling, although I want. Eventually I pull myself out of the Chapel and go back to my room where I spend the next hour or more in prayer.
Finally on Sunday, I feel completely at peace. I pack up first thing in the morning so that I can enjoy my last few hours in the tranquility without the last minute rush at the end.
The peace that I gain from the silent retreat lasts for days afterward. Until the craziness kicks in and ruins it all. Then when it gets to be too much, I'm ready to go back and start all over again.
Oct 18, 2012
I Was Lost And Now I'm Found
Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have neglected my blog.
I have been distracted by other things. Namely, working on the website for Mary's Choice, which I think is considerably more important than my silly ramblings.
The other is the presidential election. I am so ready for that to be over with. The volume of political ads, constant lying and ignorance of voters has just gotten way out of hand. My patience had run out trying to convince people to look at more than just political scare ads and pretty reteric. Unfortunately, people will end up with the political leaders they deserve rather than the ones they truly need.
It just makes me realize how important it is to follow God rather than political parties. For 2000 years the Church has been constant in it's teaching regardless of who was in charge. It's comforting to know that no matter who ends up in charge this election or any of those in the future, the Church will be the same.
This election also makes me grateful that the Church chooses Bishops we need rather than letting the laity choose Bishops we deserve. We need strong leaders that are not afraid to tell us the truth even if it isn't what we want to hear. I firmly believe that people want and need clear consistent guidelines for living. And thankfully the Church gives us those guidelines, which will not only make our life more peaceful, it guides our way into heaven.
I have been distracted by other things. Namely, working on the website for Mary's Choice, which I think is considerably more important than my silly ramblings.
The other is the presidential election. I am so ready for that to be over with. The volume of political ads, constant lying and ignorance of voters has just gotten way out of hand. My patience had run out trying to convince people to look at more than just political scare ads and pretty reteric. Unfortunately, people will end up with the political leaders they deserve rather than the ones they truly need.
It just makes me realize how important it is to follow God rather than political parties. For 2000 years the Church has been constant in it's teaching regardless of who was in charge. It's comforting to know that no matter who ends up in charge this election or any of those in the future, the Church will be the same.
This election also makes me grateful that the Church chooses Bishops we need rather than letting the laity choose Bishops we deserve. We need strong leaders that are not afraid to tell us the truth even if it isn't what we want to hear. I firmly believe that people want and need clear consistent guidelines for living. And thankfully the Church gives us those guidelines, which will not only make our life more peaceful, it guides our way into heaven.
Jul 27, 2012
Road Map to Heaven
During formation, someone asked what makes Catholicism special if anyone can go to Heaven, regardless of their religious beliefs. Father seemed to struggle with a solid answer to that question. It is a hard concept to grasp without landing in a relativistic mindset.
We are all born with the knowledge that there is a God and we are meant to be with him in Heaven. God set up a distinct path that leads anyone who follows it to Him. But, we are flawed people. Some refuse to acknowledge that God exists, let alone a way to reach Him. Others try to create their own path believing that as long as it feels right to them, they must be on the right path. Then there are still others that want to be on the path, but loose their way. A very few are able to not only find the path, but stay on it. Those are the people who make it to Heaven.
Every religion believes they have the map that shows the path, but only our map was given to us directly by God. It the most complete and accurate map available. Those who choose to follow God's map have a full proof way into Heaven. Yes, they will stumble and fall off the path at points along the way, but ultimately they will get to where they are trying to go. The rest of us, those who aren't saints, will have a much harder time keeping to the path. We have the ultimate map, but we forget to look at it or think we have it memorized or we're pretty sure there's a short cut just over the next hill. Some of us will make it to Heaven despite our failings and others won't.
All other maps are incomplete or inaccurate. It may lead people on the correct path for a while, but goes in the wrong direction at other times and never quite leads to Heaven. They may see the road signs that tell them they are going the wrong way, but give them no thought or refuse to believe what they know in their heart. A very few will follow that call from God that is ingrained in every heart and they will be led on the right path.
As Catholics, we need only to pull out the map and follow it.
We are all born with the knowledge that there is a God and we are meant to be with him in Heaven. God set up a distinct path that leads anyone who follows it to Him. But, we are flawed people. Some refuse to acknowledge that God exists, let alone a way to reach Him. Others try to create their own path believing that as long as it feels right to them, they must be on the right path. Then there are still others that want to be on the path, but loose their way. A very few are able to not only find the path, but stay on it. Those are the people who make it to Heaven.
Every religion believes they have the map that shows the path, but only our map was given to us directly by God. It the most complete and accurate map available. Those who choose to follow God's map have a full proof way into Heaven. Yes, they will stumble and fall off the path at points along the way, but ultimately they will get to where they are trying to go. The rest of us, those who aren't saints, will have a much harder time keeping to the path. We have the ultimate map, but we forget to look at it or think we have it memorized or we're pretty sure there's a short cut just over the next hill. Some of us will make it to Heaven despite our failings and others won't.
All other maps are incomplete or inaccurate. It may lead people on the correct path for a while, but goes in the wrong direction at other times and never quite leads to Heaven. They may see the road signs that tell them they are going the wrong way, but give them no thought or refuse to believe what they know in their heart. A very few will follow that call from God that is ingrained in every heart and they will be led on the right path.
As Catholics, we need only to pull out the map and follow it.
May 9, 2012
He's Here!
I first encountered the Vilnius image in the chapel at Broomtree Retreat Center. Immediately this image drew me in. It was as if I was kneeling directly before Jesus.
St. Theresa of Avila advised talking to Jesus as if he were right there with you. Some people are fortunate enough to do this without having external helps. I'm not one of those people. My mind wanders and I start making mental task lists or trying to remember if I fed my dogs or other pointless stuff during prayer without a picture or statue or other aid. Now that I have my own copy, I don't have wait until my next Broomtree visit to have those great conversations.
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| Broomtree Chapel |
Mar 12, 2012
On My Knees
I have always wanted a kneeler for my home. Sitting in a chair or kneeling by my bed, just doesn't do anything for me. My dogs think that I want to play and getting up from the floor just isn't that easy anymore. So I scoured the internet for instructions on making one. Well since I have very very limited tools in which to make one, most plans that I found were way beyond my capabilities and buying one isn't an option. I did find a crude YouTube video with plans for a very simple, very basic prie-dieu (aka kneeler). My trusty teenage son declared that he could build it for me. I discovered that Lowes is a very bad place to find cheap (or straight) wood. Eventually I found what I was looking for at Menards. My son's motto for building anything is "Close enough, is good enough," so anything expensive was out. I convinced him that we would do a test model before we went with the expensive wood. Considering we only have a drill and box saw, cutting the boards to length was rather difficult. The edges weren't exactly straight and the measurements were questionable, but it went together nicely. It's not exactly straight, and there are gaps in places, but it's sturdy and works beautifully for praying. I had a stray throw pillow that fits perfectly on the kneeling end so for now I don't have to venture into figuring out how to pad a board without a staple gun or a hammer. (I know I have a hammer, but I'm not sure where it disappeared) The shelf is the perfect size to hold my bible and my breviary. And on the top, I have Mother Theresa's (or is that Blessed Theresa of Calcutta) instructions on humility. After all of the hard work that my son went into making this prie-dieu for me, even with all of it's unique characteristics, I wouldn't trade it for a better model.
Mar 4, 2012
Can I Go Back Yet?
This weekend was another grace filled weekend. Seminarian Andrew Jasper (who looks barely out of highschool, but is really in his 30's) led the retreat. There is such a peace about Andrew that is rarely found. His backup was Monsignor Mahold (or something like that). He's a jolly old priest who seems to have been everywhere and met every saint of the 21st century and has a story to go with it.
This retreat was focused on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, who I'm guessing was a type A personality. The exercises themselves have a definite format and rely to a great deal on imagery, as in picture yourself at the foot of the cross with Mary and John. For me, the imagining things is really easy. Sticking to a specific format was a little more difficult. I get far better results from spontaneous prayer as opposed to formatted prayer. When I was at BroomTree in November, I had great conversations with God while out walking. This time, there were only a few. The few I had were spectacular, but I felt like it was work to get those few. I did do considerably more writing this time. In fact, I ran out of pages before the end of the retreat. Between notes and journaling I went through quite a bit of paper. I will give it a few days and go back through to see what gems I can glean from those pages. The notes will be of use if I decide to give some of the exercises another try, which I expect I will.
I wish it had been longer so that I could really get a grasp on the exercises, but I accomplished quite a bit in the little bit of time I had there. I'm not sure when my next visit to BroomTree will be, but I'm sure it will not be soon enough.
This retreat was focused on the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, who I'm guessing was a type A personality. The exercises themselves have a definite format and rely to a great deal on imagery, as in picture yourself at the foot of the cross with Mary and John. For me, the imagining things is really easy. Sticking to a specific format was a little more difficult. I get far better results from spontaneous prayer as opposed to formatted prayer. When I was at BroomTree in November, I had great conversations with God while out walking. This time, there were only a few. The few I had were spectacular, but I felt like it was work to get those few. I did do considerably more writing this time. In fact, I ran out of pages before the end of the retreat. Between notes and journaling I went through quite a bit of paper. I will give it a few days and go back through to see what gems I can glean from those pages. The notes will be of use if I decide to give some of the exercises another try, which I expect I will.
I wish it had been longer so that I could really get a grasp on the exercises, but I accomplished quite a bit in the little bit of time I had there. I'm not sure when my next visit to BroomTree will be, but I'm sure it will not be soon enough.
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