In Silence

Today is the end of the first full day of my silent retreat at Broom Tree Retreat Center near Irene, SD.  It started yesterday at 6, but today was really the first day.  I thought that not chatting would be the hardest part.  Was I ever wrong.  The hardest part was getting all of the voices in my head to shut up so that God could talk.  I am so used to all the noise of everyday life and all of it's distractions that my mind didn't know what to do in all this quiet.  As the day has gone on the noise has been going away and God's voice is getting clearer.

Last night after Mass, I got the clear vision of Jesus with hand out beaconing me to walk with him.  With all the noise in my head I avoided him. Being the patient and merciful God he humored me and just stood on that path all day.  Until tonight that is. At eucharistic adoration He spoke again. He said, "Tomorrow you will walk with me."  I, of course, could only answer with "Ok."  To be perfectly honest, my mind was starting to wander when he spoke up, so I was a little startled.  So I guess tomorrow I better be ready to listen.

Getting My Religion On At Walmart

I discovered a couple of things about working chaotic hours at Walmart.  First, that chaotic hours are no fun!  Especially when you work late and have to be up early the next morning.  Second, that I have a lot more prayer time than I did before.  Strange, I know.

In an office setting you make friends and get distracted by idle chatter, lunch dates, etc.  At Walmart my schedule is unique and rarely do I have a break with someone I know.  Thanks to the Divine Office app on my phone I can say morning or evening prayer while on break.  My phone also allows me to read electronic books, so instead of watching whatever mindless program is on the TV I open one of my many books.  Right now I am about half way through Welcome to the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites by Aloysius Deeney, OCD.

The book is a compilation of speeches given by Aloysius Deeney on the Vocation of OCDS.  As an Aspirant  I am required to read the first speech on discernment.  The others are for my own personal reading.

   

It's Official

As of last Saturday I am officially an Aspirant.  Being a person who jumps into just about everything with both feet, it's a little scary.  As a visitor I could be part of the group without the commitment.  Now that I'm officially a part of the group I worry that I'm just not worthy of being part of the group.  It isn't so much failing to meet the expectations of the OCDS, but rather failing to meet God's standards.  Am I strong enough and dedicated enough to fulfill the mission that he gave me?  I hope the saying is true that God doesn't give you more than you can handle because right now it feels like what I'm being given is too much for me.

Dear Lord,
I trust in you to lead me where you want me to go.
I trust in you to help me shoulder my burdens.
I trust in you to give me strength to handle what comes my way.


Dear Lord, 
I trust in you.


Amen.

More Challenges

I finally found a job, although it's only part-time and my schedule is all over the place.  It makes it difficult to keep to a consistent schedule of prayer.  Who ever said it would be difficult following Jesus was not kidding.  This world offers so many obligations and distractions that can get in the way of doing what God wants.  I just have to find a way to mesh all of what and need to do with my obligations to God.  Where before I had challenges with fitting in meditation, I now have challenges with completing the hours.  Some days I work during the day and other times I work in the evenings.  Until I find a normal Monday through Friday job, I will have to work around the challenges.  I may have to find a quiet spot at work and say the hours on my break as close to the normal time for morning and evening prayers as I can manage.  On the bright side no matter when I say morning and evening prayers there will be someone somewhere in the world saying them with me.

In God's Hands

Tomorrow I go for a second interview for a prospective job.  It's not what I was looking for, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and accept what you can get.  I have to trust that God knows what is best for me and will put me where I need to be.  Looking back over the past few months I can see where God has silently stepped in pushing me in the right direction.  He took my main distraction away so that I could focus on my relationship with Him which was sorely in need of renewal.  Then He led me to Carmel over Easter.  Last but not least He gave me time to deal with my diagnosis before bringing on a new job.  I just makes sense to follow his lead as St. Theresa of Avila did throughout her life.  She turned over all control to God.  She didn't worry about anything but her vow to be obedient to God.  Amazingly God provided for her and her Carmelite nuns many times over.  Tomorrow I will take God's lead and trust that he knows what is best for me.

Lead me, Lord, lead me, Lord,
by the light of truth 
to seek and to find the narrow way.
Be my way; be my truth;
be my life, my Lord,
and lead me, Lord, today.

Sioux City OCDS Website

The website is up!  It is not anywhere close to being finished, but it's out there for all to see.  Click here to take a peek.

Much Better

This week is starting off much better than the last few.  Saturday was our OCDS meeting and two of our members were clothed.  This time next year I will be one of those standing at the alter receiving my scapular.  I get chills of excitement just thinking about it.  God has put me here with this group of men and women to serve him and grow closer.  St. Theresa of Avila wrote in The Way of Perfection that those who truely love God seek good.  Sometimes I think God has to show some of us the way to good because we are so lost that we wouldn't know where to find good.  And good is this OCDS group.  Even though I've only been to three meetings now I am learning so much of what it means to love God with all my heart and soul, and how to share it with others.

Tomorrow I am meeting two of my new found sisters at the monastery for morning prayers and mass, then we are meeting to begin development of a website for our group.  The least I can do to show my appreciation is to use my extensive computer skills to help them out.  Pope Benedict has said to use all of the means available to evangelize and that is what we are going to do.  Maybe this little venture will help at least one lost soul.